Opening up my heart....

okay - so this post is a little hard to write and I don't even know if anyone reads this blog anymore (other than Renee!!) since I have moved back to BC, but I need to get this all out and this seems like a good place to do it!

------------
Yesterday morning in church, my pastor - Pastor Tom (or PT as I will use for the rest of this post) said that he felt that there were people in the congregation who needed a specific strength for something they were going through, and that sometimes taking a step out of our comfort zone (our seat) was needed and that today no one was going to come up and pray with us individually but that we would pray as a congregation (as a family) for those who stepped forward. And that this was more between just God and us. Well, as soon as PT said a specific strength - I knew that God was talking to me. And I had two specific strengths that I need.

First was strength to get through the separation of Ronel & I for an undetermined length of time. It made me really face the fact that though I can put on a good face and be positive about this all, and I am positive about it for the most part, BUT it doesn't mean that I am all okay and that was what I really had to tell God today.[cause you know He didn't know already:)] It made me feel better though about "breaking down" sometimes and crying, being upset that we have to be so far apart for so long. (and anything past NOW is TOO long) I know that God put us together and that this was part of His plan.

Second was strength to get through my biopsy on the 26th of this month. I am scheduled for a small bowel biopsy with a gastrointestinal specialist in Vancouver to see what is going on with my insides. My doctor thinks that I may have celiac disease, which if true, would mean a HUGE lifestyle change as I would no longer be allowed to eat any wheat or gluten, which in case you didn't know is in like everything (Ok, slight exaggeration but not by much!) And while I am not looking forward to that, I am more scared about the biopsy procedure. It is invasive and there are two options (according to a search on Google) for the biopsy - either to enter through my nose and send the scope down to my lower intestines/small bowel or to enter from the other end and send the scope that way. Now - I am not sure what option is more preferable! One seems definitely shorter but not sure if it is better! I do know that I will be partially sedated and my mom is coming with me cause I won't be able to drive myself home (or that is what they tell me!) I have had SO many tests done to figure out what is going on and this is so far the only thing that came back as even an option but the blood test is not the best way to diagnose it so.... But I think that I am just nervous about what they will find. I am still waiting for my appointment to see the specialist about my malfunctioning thyroid (I know! I am falling to pieces!) Currently it isn't too bad off but my doctor wants me to see a specialist now cause this could cause problems when Ronel & I want to get pregnant.

Anyway - so as I stepped forward at the church, I just had to admit to God (and maybe even more to myself) that I STILL need Him~ that just because I am back in Canada doesn't mean that now I can do this all on my own. And while I know that God was in the middle of Ronel & I's relationship while we were in Haiti, I felt like I had been taking it bit by bit from God and that I needed to give it ALL back to Him. It's not going to be easy, but I know that it will be for the better.

Then PT's sermon was about "Seeking" - the second part of a 3 part sermon about Ask, Seek, Knock
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
Matthew 7:7 (New International Version)

And he mentioned how this really means KEEP Asking, KEEP Seeking, KEEP Knocking. Don't just do it once, KEEP doing it, and this hit me! I asked - once or twice, I seeked - maybe a couple of times, I might have knocked once or twice ~ anyway you get the picture ~ I needed to do the "keeping" part.

It was admitting that I needed someone other than myself that I really needed to do, and admitting that while I know that God has His hand on Ronel & I and the whole immigration process, and God knows what my biopsy results will be NOW, even before they have done the biopsy - I have to GIVE IT OVER TO HIM!

Then I was reading a friend's blog (okay - friend of a friend) and this song played when it loaded. I have never heard any of Sara Groves' music before but now I want to listen to more of her!
(I've put into italics the parts that really hit me)

go here and select the song to hear a sample of it

It's Gonna Be Alright
by Sara Groves and Gordon Kennedy

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

I can tell by your eyes that you're not getting any sleep
And you try to rise above it, but feel you're sinking in too deep

Oh, oh I believe, I believe that

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

I believe you'll outlive this pain in you heart
And you'll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart
Oh, oh I believe I believe that

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

When some time has past us, and the story if retold
It will mirror the strength and the courage in your soul
Oh, oh, I believe I believe,

I believe
I believe

I did not come here to offer you cliché's
I will not pretend to know of all your pain
Just when you cannot, then I will hold out faith, for you

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

So I don't know what the future has in store - but with Jesus by my side it's going to be alright!